Saturday, October 23, 2010

25 Highlights of a Drive from Brooklyn to Long Beach

25 Highlights of A Drive from Brooklyn to Long Beach
1. Walking through a truck stop parking lot in Arizona, miss getting run over by an old man by less than three feet, then having him look at us, make a mean face and flipping us off.
2. Driving from New York to New Jersey, pulling over at the stateline to get gas, asking the man if he had a public bathroom and getting asked, “Do you have to pee?,” answering yes and then being told, “You can just pee in the corner over there.”
3. Having a baby cry in the seat in front of me on the plane just as I was about to fall asleep.
4. Rockin’ “The Blueprint” on the Holland Tunnel.
5. Being driven from Brooklyn to Manhattan, crossing the Brooklyn Bridge and knowing I might be asking too many uncomfortable questions to our driver who watched the second plane hit the Twin Towers after the first plane woke him up.
6. Being completely sure I was asking too many uncomfortable questions after said driver went silent when I inquired, “Did you see the towers fall?”
7. Telling everyone in Texas, “You have a blessed day” and having them not understand I was joking.
8. Spending 18 minutes on the radio in Memphis with Thaddeus Matthews, aka my new favorite radio host, talking about everything from getting our butts in church, how my white god and my white people have been treating me wrong because I’m not rich, being told how black men need to stay with black women and white men need to stay with white women, getting directions to where I can pick up hookers on Elvis Presley Boulevard and getting off a “Baba Booey” before hanging up.
9. Hearing my brother talk to Thaddeus and get blamed for 400 years of oppression before saying “God Bless Texas.”
10. Hearing my brother call Thaddeus back and getting hung up on for doing the worst black impression of all time.
11. Having Jim Rome’s call screen improperly use the word “trite” when describing my admittedly lame topic.
12. Signing “Lomita Loves You” on the wall outside Graceland.
13. Introducing my brother to Barstow’s Del Taco.
14. Walking to the rear of the gift shop at the Big Texan in Amarillo and discovering they have a live rattlesnake in the store.
15. Eating guacamole and chips at the Frontier in Albuquerque.
16. Spending the night in the van in Shamrock, Texas, and remembering how I spent the best/worst day/night of my life there (ask me about it sometime).
17. Buying a t-shirt at the Flying J in Amarillo that has a drawing of Popeye’s body but no head for six bucks.
18. Taking pictures on an unused lawn mower at a rest stop in Tennessee.
19. Being told by an attendant at Wal-Mart that if his employees steal anything while changing oil in the van that I could come talk to him to get back my stuff.
20. Not knowing how to answer said attendant when he asked, “California? You got lots of Mexicans there?”
21. De-virginizing my brother’s lack of knowledge of what a Waffle House is.
22. Chatting with our server Andrew at an Oklahoma Waffle House and having him ask, “Is skateboarding popular in California?” before he showed us this green blob he called a tattoo.
23. Still not stepping foot into a Cracker Barrel.
24. Climbing through my bedroom window after realizing I left my keys in my apartment.
25. Getting to spend time with my brother (aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww).

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